malaise

I think that I have a job -- a patient constant attendant - - it's - well - it's sorta a shitty job - but I don't have to go outside and I think that I will be good at it. Basically you're the 'eyes and ears' of the nurses. But mostly you sit at the bedside of someone that is crazy and they're at risk to themselves 'cause they're going to get out of bed and fall - or wake up from the operation -freak out and try to rip all the tubes that are running out and in of their body -- It would be nice if they were all beautiful young women that were tragically inflicted with a malaize of desperate depression and that they each tried to take their life and that I was waiting by their bedside, like some angel of doom, and I would tell these scared girls that life was for the living and it may be short - but it is beautiful..... But it sounds like they're going to either be crazy from old age - drugs -- illness, and that never looks good. Shit I don't think that they'll let me attend to women because crazy women have the disposition of accusing men of sexual abuse. 70 year old guys aren't going to do that, so they mostly put women with the women and the men with the men. Anyway back to my little self agrandizing little fantasy. It's in technicolour - and the girls all like me and we steal away to some beautiful distant place, all the while avril laveen sings about the ownership of the individual experience - how to be alone is such a beautiful thing.. 'so much for my happy endings.' but in the morning I'm back at the hospital - sitting next to the next drugged out teen that got so hopped up last night that the cops had to drag 'em in and now that consciousness is slowly returning I'm sitting there with the door behind me, wondering just how they are going to react to the shock of still being alive....

I think that this is an excellent opportunity - if the police security check comes through clear - and they don't find out what my doctor said about me so that I could keep getting welfare long after I shouldn't have - if it's all clear - then I've got the job- - - I've never had to have a security check before- even when I worked with other peoples' kids - there was never a check - so it's kinda interesting...


look one last thing - I just finished reading ' the navigators of new york ' I don't know if your reading much these days - reading novels is such a bouroque thing to do - I mean who the fuck has the time to really keep up with the booker prize - I mean come on - who ...?

anyway in this novel there is a race for the north pole - and I couldn't help but think that you and I should make an attempt at the pole - I mean could you fucken' believe doing that - we could get some pimped up snowmobiles and you know - make a run at it -- the thing different about now and then is that if you get into any sorta problems there is alway some Labrador helicopter that's going to come and pluck you off the ice before you die... I wonder if you could get enough from the arts communities to fund it. What do you think - hey? isn't that the most far fetched idea I've ever come up with - and you know: I think that it's totally possible.